Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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