he thought i was a dude.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
