ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want to make out with him forever
I am one with the molecules
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
