I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
