Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
