dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
