so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
