So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
