So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
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There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
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As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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