Swine flu. Run for my life!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
