Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
