Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
