I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Randomize
