I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
