I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
