I accidentally had phone sex last night
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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