Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Loading more great texts...