I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
