based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
