How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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