meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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