Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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