he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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