just come out here and I will go home with you...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
don't judge my taste in strippers
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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