Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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