I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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