Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
wakey wakey hands off snakey
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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