Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
