i wish my penis had a tongue
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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