You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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