There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
