boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
