did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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