careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
