But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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