well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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