So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You are the jesus of drinking
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
