I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
