Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
