I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
