broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Someone signed my nipple.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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