You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
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she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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