I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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