So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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