Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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