Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
