i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
