Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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