So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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