the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
