like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
