"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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