Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
