please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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