There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
