I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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