LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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