i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
