Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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