1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
