I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
handjob tips. give me some.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
